Screwed Up
by Kris10
Summary: WARNING! Not for townies! Eiko, our little summoner, has well, changed. She's older, dressed all in black, and has a problem with dove droppings. Read on to see what I mean. R&R! I plan to write until it reaches her birthday when something "happens"


Screwed Up- Humour Fanfic About A Certain Little Summoner Screwed Up  
  
By *Kris*  
  
  
  
(Auhthor's Note: Heh heh heh. Yep, this is an Eiko fanfic. But it's seriously screwed up, like the title suggests. Eiko is now fourteen, and, to put it mildly, is a nightmare. She looks like something off Interview With A Vampire, and has the attitude problem that's worse than Harry Enfield's Kevin. She basically a goth. Hee hee hee. Enjoy as I blow all the characters to smithereens! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! *cough* And Square owns, Regent Cid, Hilda, Zidane, Garnet, Vivi, Eiko, Amarant, Steiner, Beatric etc. But I own Shadow! He's all mine mine mine. I hear him moaning in the background.)  
  
Three Days Away: Hell Comes To Gaia  
  
Eiko watched the doves out the window. She gently lined herself up, a surprise attack was the only way. She let fly and the bird went down, landing somewhere in the courtyard below. The damned things were everywhere, shitting on everything.  
  
"Eiko! What have I told you about killing to birds?" Hilda screeched. Eiko shrugged, like she cared? That bird wasn't going to change the vast population of doves. They were only really white pigeons anyway. Eiko looked up with her heavy eye-linered eyes to Hilda. She adjusted the spiky bracelets on her arm and her dog collor before looking up to Hilda again.  
  
"Yes?" She asked. She adjusted her long black skirt and her flared-sleeved top. She'd dyed her hair black to add to the image. She'd also had onyx studs in her horn. She yawned.  
  
"Whatever went wrong? When Cid and I adopted you, you were so sweet! Did we spoil you or something?" Hilda was on the verge of tears. Eiko looked on coldly. Her long black cape prevented her from standing up quickly so instead she decided that re-applying lipstick was in order.  
  
"Eiko? What's going on sweetie? Please tell me that this is just a phase. That you'll be back on the rails in a few months!" Hilda begged. Eiko adjusted her cape and stood up, careful not the snag the cape on the chair. She walked towards her mother and then walked straight passed. Hilda watched teary eyed as her daughter left her alone.  
  
Eiko sat on the wall. Maybe things had started to go wrong when the love of her life, Zidane, had said that she was so "sweet" wearing pink and yellow at the age of thirteen. As soon as she could get her hands on make-up she had changed her image. She hadn't seen him for a while. She looked up into the sky. The damned doves were at it again.  
  
"Phoenix, please, just get them out of my sight before they--" Eiko was too late however. No sooner had she started talk had the doves, in a collective effort for their fallen comrades, crapped in unison on Eiko's head. Eiko had always known that the doves had it in for her, but this was stupid! She would have to walk around with an umbrella or something? Actually, that might not have been such a bad idea.  
  
Eiko stood up and walked back into the castle, certain she could hear the birds sniggering behind her back.  
  
"Oh I'll get my revenge! Yum yum! Dove pie!" Eiko shouted. The doves all disappeared over the wall and Eiko, trying not to spew, walked back into Lindblum.  
  
After Eiko had washed and changed, she went outside with her umbrella. She had applied even more make-up than before and her black clothes contrasted against everything in the new royal gardens. Eiko didn't care however. The doves, seeing the umbrella, went back into the dovecote to think of another plan of attack. They'd just have to get close enough and they'd taste Fenrir or Madeen.  
  
"E-Eiko? My my my! All grown up!" Eiko span around, her umbrella slipping from her grasp. She saw the doves begin to rise up and grabbed the umbrella, just in time for their rain of droppings to miss her. She gave them the finger and they all retreated again. She turned to the person who had spoken to her. It was Garnet and Zidane.  
  
"Hey!" Eiko saidm walking towards them. She smiled at their astonished faces. They were too easy to impress and shock. Garnet never thought anything changed, not really, and Zidane was still wrapped up in love, he didn't notice anything. But know he was. He was looking at her in a way that made her feel uncomfortable.  
  
"Eiko? What have you done to yourself?" He stammered. Eiko felt the hurt rip through her. She looked to Garnet. Garnet was wearing pink. Pink? He-He said that was for little girls? This wasn't what he wanted? Eiko glanced upwards, checking for doves.  
  
"Well, I've started a war with doves. They keep on shitting on me!" Eiko didn't look at either of them. She'd avoided the question that Zidane had asked. She saw one of the doves peep out of their hiding place. Out of the folds of her black skirt she pulled out a crossbow, and she hit the dove with expert accuracy.  
  
"Eiko! Why did you do that?" Garnet asked, shocked. The dove plummeted the the ground and Eiko retrieve her crossbow bolt. She re-attached it to her belt and turned to Garnet.  
  
"Not you too! Watch!" Eiko put the umbrella down. The doves all rose up and started circling above her. Asthough counting a few screeches filled the air and after the third the air was full of white crap. All of it was aimed at Eiko, who as quickly as she could, pit the umbrella up. Eiko suspected the top of the umbrella was now white.  
  
"I see. And what exactly started this war?" Zidane asked. Eiko thought back. That was right, Hilda had given her a pet dove, but Eiko had set it free saying how it was against her religion to keep wild animals. The mother of the dove had been angry and tried to peck Hilda's eyes out, so Eiko had broken it's neck and put it in a pie. Maybe it was her fault?  
  
"Dove pie started this whole war. Now I can't go anywhere without a rain of droppings!" Eiko looked to the rest of the gardens. Garnet and Zidane looked like they belonged here, in the peaceful serenity, but Eiko did not. She wanted her nice black bedroom and her nice black hound. Cerberus, he had three heads and glowing red eyes, but she loved him. He stopped people assassinating her, and was as gentle as a puppy to those who knew him.  
  
"Dove pie? Right Eiko... Why don't you come inside and we can talk about what has happened in the passed year?" Garnet said. It was an order and Eiko knew it. However she had an excuse now, Cerberus needed walking and he would go mental if he didn't get a chance to have a run around the Gardens. Of course, those who heard the bell toll made sure that they were all out of the way by the time Cerberus was let loose.  
  
"I have to walk my dog. You know he'll start eating people if I don't walk him. I might come by later. What time will you be leaving?" Eiko asked. Questions questions questions. That was all that happened when she, Garnet and Zidane spoke. It annoyed her so much sometimes.  
  
"We're here until you fifteenth birthday Eiko. That's in... Three days is it not?" Zidane said. Eiko looked at him in disbelief. Birthday? No! They couldn't stay that long! She'd have to spend her birthday night with them! She couldn't bear that! No no no no no no! On the exterior Eiko was calm and emotionless.  
  
"Three days... What a good idea! Oh I'll have so much fun with my cousin! We can talk about all sorts, like... We really have nothing in common any more do we? Ah well. I think I'll get Cerberus. Will you please ring the bell on your way in?" Eiko turned her back on them and walked swiftly away. Just before she got out of earshot she heard Zidane say something to Garnet.  
  
"Well well well. She's a proper little lady now... With an attitude problem and a wacky dress sense. She's no longer a little girl anymore. Garnet, she's changed."  
  
Eiko went into her rooms and changed from her skirt to a pair of trousers. She never really paid much attention to the amount of washing that the washers of the castle had to do. After looking at the pile of clothes she'd got through that day, she picked up the fairly clean ones and sprinkled them around her room. Might as well make their lives a little harder.  
  
She strode of into the corridor and whistled. There was a lot of banging and Cerberus appeared in the hallway, foaming at all three mouths and looking wild eyed. He really was a magnificent sight. Some might call him ugly, but Eiko thought that in his own way he was beautiful.  
  
Eiko walked on, and the dog stayed at her heels. She heard the bell chime and the sudden patter of running feet and slamming of doors. She smiled to herself. Cerberus created panic and terror wherever he went, a bit like her. When visiting Treno nobles she often intimidated them, people didn't expect a gothic princess. The last household she had visited had almost turned her away. She remembered their shock to find she was going to be Regent of Lindblum.  
  
She walked through into Cerberus's Garden. It was full of dying plants. A dog like Cerberus couldn't let many things that crossed it's path live. She pointed to the bushes and Cerberus leapt about. Eiko found a place that was fairly green and sat down. It was likely that the dog hadn't "gone" here. She rubbed her temples, then heard the snap of a twig. She knew it wasn't Cerberus. She heard the click of a cross bow.  
  
She waited. Whoever it was, they were taking their time. She heard the sound of someone crouching down. Creeping ever nearer. Eiko pinpointed the exact location of the noise and... Pounced. She caught the person and knocked the crossbow from their grasp. She rolled and pinned them under her. Straddling her would-be assassin, she looked at who it was.  
  
It was a man, but a little older than herself. He was wearing a black shirt and trousers. His eyes were a deep brown and his hair was an extremely dark shade of brown, almost black. She was surprised, he looked so much like her. Even the despairing look in her eyes were mirrored in his.  
  
"Why were you creeping up on me assassin?" She asked, adding more pressure to his wrists, cutting off the blood circulation. "Did you know that my dog likes human flesh? He'll think of you as a feast!" Eiko slammed his wrists into the ground again. The man beneath her swallowed.  
  
"You answered that question yourself, my lady. I noticed your dog, he's asleep. Magic. Now my lady, will you please be a nice little weak lady and die?" The man smiled. Eiko raised her eyebrows. She adjusted herself, so it made it even harder for him to move, then she quickly drew a knife from her belt, holding it to her assassin's throat. In the time it had taken her to do that her assassin had also drawn a dagger and was holding it to her throat.  
  
"What good has that done you? Slit my throat, I slit yours. I believe there isn't an advantage for either of us?" Eiko asked him. The assassin smiled grimly as his other hand shot out to knock the dagger from Eiko's grasp. Eiko raised her eyebrows. This assassin sure was clumsy. He was relying on brute strength to attack her. Well Eiko would fight back with brains.  
  
"So you're going to slit my throat? All I have to do is scream and there'll be guards out here in no time. You won't escape back to your client to get your pay," She was trying to get him to take his mind of what was happening and to think. However, it appeared that the assassin could multi-task, and that was something men weren't supposed to do. (No offence meant lads, but I'm sure you'll agree, it's true!) Eiko decided that there was no way she could win this fight. At least she'd die cursing.  
  
"Gerroff me! Go away! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Leggo o' me! No fair!" The assassin raised his eyebrows as Eiko started to let out an inventive and creative string of words that a lady of the court should not say. Eiko noticed however that the knife was still at her throat and it appeared to be the end for her. Then an idea struck her. Something she had forgotten about for a while, something that could save her. Why hadn't she thought of it before?  
  
"Madeen! Help me please!" Eiko cried out. The assassin's eyes went wide as the huge creature appeared. The creature stepped towards them and the assassin began to back away.  
  
"Terra Homing!" It shouted and the assassin went down in stips of multi-colored light. Now free Eiko quickly released her spiky belt from around her waist and pulled off all her accessories. She wrapped it around the assassins hands and tightened. She heard his cry of pain. Eiko had deliberately put the spikes towards his skin.  
  
"Ok ok ok! I give in!" The assassin cried. Eiko hadn't been expecting this... She released the assassin. Zidane had taught her the rules of the backstreets. After admitting defeat the person will never attack again. Eiko let the assassin rise to his feet. He looked rejected and slightly angry. Eiko knew that being beaten by a girl was hurting. It had hurt against the last assassin.  
  
"Good. Now I have the right to kill you, do I not?" The assassin nodded solemnly. "And I choose not to. If you are an assassin then I suppose you can figure out hundreds of ways to protect me? So you owe me your life, I want you to become my bodyguard. Just for the controversy, you know?" The assassins face lit up and then suddenly it became a gothic mask again.  
  
"My lady, I would be honoured," The assassin told her. Eiko smiled, she could have a new friend within the castle, for her to create all kinds of trouble with. She smiled at the thought of destroying the entire dove population in one attempt.  
  
"Call me Eiko," She said, holding out her hands. Eiko hadn't really noticed her spike rings and the gauntlets during the fight. She supposed that some of them must have pierced the assassin. Especially the one with blood smeared on. The assassin took her hand.  
  
"George," He said. Eiko clenched her teeth together to stop herself from laughing. "It's a stupid name, most call me Shadow. The best assassin in Lindblum! Even Tantalus fear my name!" George said, proudly. Eiko looked at the guy, he was kinda cute, in his own gothic style of course. Eiko could see them being friends.  
  
"Really? Then we'll see..." Eiko turned her back and walked through the garden. She found her dog, although it was unconscious. She prodded it and leapt back as all three sets of jaws snapped shut where she had just been. Cerberus jumped up and ran at Shadow, eyes blazing.  
  
"Oh no! Please don't kill him Cerberus," Eiko said flatly, in a drab way. Cerberus however stopped at Shadow's feet and made a whining noise. Shadow bent down and patted the beast. Eiko felt a strange disappointment that the dog hadn't bitten Shadow's balls off.  
  
Eiko was about to protest when she saw hundreds upon hundreds of doves begin to swarm above her. Eiko didn't wait to see if she was the target, she whistled to Cerberus and began to run back to the castle.  
  
"Shadow! Get inside NOW!" Eiko shouted back to him. Suddenly she was white and dripping. Eiko shut her mouth tightly and ran up to her rooms to wash and change.  
  
After she had changed Eiko went downstairs into the main hall and saw Shadow standing there, looking out of place amongst all the finery. Eiko had made sure she had her crossbow in the folds of her dress and Cerberus was attached by chain to her belt.  
  
"Ready to meet the yukkiest fluffiest couple on the planet? And my mom and dad who have a tendancy to turn each other into amphibians?" Eiko asked him. Shadow shrugged, his face was strangly skull-like in the torchlight of the castle. Eiko had finanlly found a kindred spirit. She pushed the huge doors open with a bang and walked in quickly. She made it so she looked powerful and scary. She looked around the room coldly.  
  
"So who's disagreeing with you now, Cid?" Eiko asked. Cid hopped into view. He nad Hilda had had an arguement and Cid had ended up as a frog. Maybe one of the reasons that Cid hadn't been a very authoritive father, was because he spent half the time looking upwards to see Eiko. Eiko remembered the time that Hilda had tried to turn Cid into an octopus, but instead he'd just grown eight arms out of his head. No wonder people thought she was screwed up.  
  
"Oh, I just rejected someone admission into Lindblum. They were pretty rich, tried to buy their way in. But they were muderers, so I couldn't take their money. Why Eiko?" Cid asked. Eiko looked around her. Where was Shadow? She noticed a slight movement in the shadows to her right. She supposed there must have been a reason for calling him Shadow.  
  
"I've just had _another_ assassination attempt! If I hadn't had all that training I'd be dead! You should really improve security around here. I mean, there could be an assassin anywhere in this bloody castle!" Eiko said calmly. Shadow stepped from the, well, shadows and smiled. Eiko didn't smile back, her face became even stonier. She turned to Cid.  
  
"Shadow here, is that assassin. Now he's my bodyguard. You won't notice him, I promise. Anyway-" Eiko was interupted by Zidane leaping from his seat and grinning at Shadow.  
  
"Hey! Long time no see! Didn't recognize you! Man, you've changed!" Zidane held his hand out the Shadow, who looked at it then back to Zidane. Eiko watched, amused. Goths didn't shake hands.  
  
"So've you. King Zidane, is it not? Sorry to offend you, but I thought you'd aim higher. Thought you were to be "King Theif", or is that below you now?" Shadow sneered. Zidane was slightly taken back at Shadow's reply, and Eiko nearly broke a rib from concealed laughter.  
  
"He's saying, nice to see you too. Are you well, in the language that is distubed teenager," Eiko told Zidane, glad that she could keep her voice steady. "You wouldn't understand. Sometimes shit happens, and turns people from pink to black. If you'll excuse me, I am tired. I must try and get some sleep tonight," With that Eiko gestured for Shadow to leave and as he did she saw the room relax. Eiko walked out, as she had entered, slamming the doors behind her.  
  
She went up to her rooms. She saw Shadow waiting outside. Eiko hadn't really thought about where he was to sleep. Maybe she could let him have her couch, until she got a proper bodyguard room adjoined to her own? She let him in without a word. She gestured to the couch and gave him a blanket. The stars twinkled outside the window and the moon glowed. Eiko found herself humming a song that she'd forgotten for so many years... The Song of Memory.  
  
She blushed and lay down. She heard the sound of deep breathing, that comes only in sleep, from the couch. Then suddenly a loud snore. Eiko pulled her black leather sheets over her and went to sleep.  
  
(Author's Note: Well what do you think? Review please!) 


End file.
